More things have recently happened with my own boys aged 20 and 21 (which I will expound on in a later post and sorry this is not a picture of us) that have made me realize that our job as a parent never ends. Even though my children are in college, things still happen in their lives that require me to parent. I thought I was  done!! (OK, mostly done.)

I’ve been analyzing how I’ve been dealing with the issues. I realized I was angry that ”their” issues were pulling me away from the projects and time I had set aside for ”me”. They’re out of the house and away at college, so isn’t it “my” time now? I had to remind myself that I willingly and excitedly signed up for this job as a parent. And, my deepest desire is to do the best job I possibly can to raise them. My “job” isn’t done and I needed to deal with my own stuff or I would drive myself crazy. (Plus, when I asked my Mom about it, she just laughed. Yes, she had to be there for me when I was their same age. Not necessarily as much, but she is still parenting today when I am in my late 40’s!)

Running a business is easier for me than parenting. So I thought, “How could I apply business principles to shift the situation?”  Just like at work, being a parent is a managerial role. My desire as a “manager” is to have a healthy and functional department, meanwhile enjoying the job I do.

So…here are three things I’ve decided to do:

1. Change my own attitude. I love my kids and they are still in a “growing up” season of life. They still need me and my influence.  Who didn’t learn huge life lessons at age 20? At work we mentor our team, seeing myself as a mentor I think will be helpful.
2. Make time on my calendar. Even though they don’t physically live at home anymore while they are in school, I need to make time for them so I don’t resent the interruption. If I decide to give the time to them, I’ll be less frustrated overall. I plan to test a few scenarios.
3. Have an appropriate plan. Since my job isn’t over, I need to strategically decide the best way to influence and guide them proactively. I shouldn’t be waiting for an issue to arise and then handle it.

This quote from an unknown source is helpful. Concentrate on: What you can do, not what you can’t do. 

I’ll keep you posted on our progress and the details for how I make my plan work. Until then, my acceptance that parenting never ends and that I still have a valuable job to do, has relieved some internal stress. I have a job to do. That I can do.

Have an effective day!

Debbie 🙂

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you can never win? Like you can’t do anything right, especially at home? Things are going pretty good at work. You have a handle on the issues and the stress of juggling it all. Then out of the blue, you get shocked by an ugly response your child had to an action you took at home. You did something and didn’t consult them first because it didn’t occur to you they had a say in the decision. After all, you are the parent and they are the child. It can be devastating, especially if you didn’t see it coming. It rocks your entire world and now affects your ability to focus at work.

Note: When it’s from a young adult child it can rock us even more. On the outside they can be so social and confident but on the inside they are insecure and selfish. We think we’ve raised them to come and calmly talk out an issue if they have a problem. When they don’t, especially when it involves us, we are hurt. We’ve got to give them some grace though, as they are growing up and don’t see the complete picture. The world still primarily revolves around them in their reality. We all know we went through this stage ourselves. If you aren’t sure, just ask your mother!

Now back to how we should respond. It isn’t healthy or productive to too often let issues like this affect us so dramatically. (I say “too often” because we are human with feelings and it will happen occasionally!) The main thing to be careful about, is that we do not assume the responsibility for the (over)reaction of our children, especially our older children. Every responsible parent I know truly has the best interests of their children at heart. We are good parents. (Yup, I count myself in the honored yet sometimes doubting group!) Our kids may will not always see that.

So, after you let it go with a good cry or some heavy duty exercise (no heavy drinking please even though that wine looks inviting), what can you do? One thing that works for me is to ask myself this question…

“Even though I hurt, did I truly do the right thing?”

Even through the tears (which happens because we care), your gut will have an answer. Listen to it. Go quickly and get feedback from another responsible parent (aka, the “network”) if you must. If you decide you did nothing wrong, then don’t rush to apologize when an apology isn’t appropriate. Instead, say something like: “I understand. I love you and am sorry you don’t think I do anything right. I’m doing the best I can.”

Do not wait for or expect a response. The hope is that they will get it someday. Trust in your efforts to raise an effective child. I believe they will if you’re doing your job.

Stand firm and know that there are other parents going through the same issue. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to understand they do not have to be involved in every decision. And, in life, they never will be. Then, try your best to focus back on work so you can bring home the bacon!

Thanks for letting me share with you. If you’ve got something to add, please do!

Debbie and her Grandpa

Last night, I actually had a dream (and I don’t often dream) where he and my grandmother were happily dancing together, all dressed in white. My Grandpa had a huge smile on his face and was humming some song. While often serious, as engineers can be, to me,  my Grandpa always had a smile and a twinkle in his eye. I like to think that is where I get my smile from. 🙂

My Grandpa was a total supporter of family. He left five wonderful children and a ton of grand and great-children. (I’m the eldest granchild.) My Mom and three Aunts are some of the strongest and most accomplished women I know.  The “Lohman clan” as I call them, is a hoot. Get togethers are fun, filled with food and wine (my grandfather tinkered with a small vineyard) and mostly filled with love. Don’t get me wrong, like every other family, the Lohman’s squabble too from time to time. But, underneath it all is the continual feeling of “family”. Of being there for each other, no matter what.

Albert Einstein said, “Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation.  For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.” I know my grandfather lives on in me.

There is a circle of life. A flow to the universe that was created.  Hug your family and close friends. Enjoy them while you have them near you. All things must come to an end, sometime. Someday they will be gone. When they are gone, fondly remember what they left for you. When you see me, you’ll know where the smile came from.

I love you Grandpa.

Debbie 🙂